i find myself sad and lonelier more than often.  i cry, trying to justify it by thinking that its just because its that time of the month.  i hide my discontent with a smile. and the saddest thing is, is that i dont know why or how to snap out of it. i dont understand me.

daily i cry in the shower in hopes that i can get out of this phase.  i'm trying to balance school and my social life, but i find that i just don't want to go out and party up with the same people.  i need a break from jmu:  its professors&classes, its people, its parties, its drama. 

im disapointed in myself for that regetable night in october.  i hate that i'm fat.  i hate that i reverted back to old ways in dealing with it.  but i feel comfort in such painful tactics.

i miss the people i love the most.  i feel stranded and helpless that the people that mean the most to me are hundreds of miles away.  i feel selfish for sharing my burden with them just to ease my troubled mind, even for a moment.

i want to rewind time to last summer.  strolling through europe with open eyes, soaking every ounce of culture in me.  i miss being naive and carefree, looking forward to college and its experiences. 

i hate what you did.  i hate myself for keeping it all in, not sharing my anguish.  you think its ok, but its not. you dont hurt my friends. 

got this from joy..

10 THINGS YOU CANT LIVE WITHOUT
phone, family, jmu girls, nayz, music, books, food, makeup, computer, God 

9 FAVORITE PLACES TO BE 
home, jmu, fernandez household, venice, florence, london, paris, delphi, sorento

8 THINGS YOU CANT STAND 
broken elevators, dirty bathrooms on the weekends, people who dont wash their hands after they flush, not flushing, pressure from parents, high expectation, changing definite plans, loud hallmates from thursday-sunday

7 PEOPLE YOU CAN REALLY TALK TO
kiss.joy.julie.diana.vicki.danny.God

6 POSSIBLE CAREER OPTIONS
lawyer. lobbyist. accountant. working for the UN or govt firm. professor. consultant

5 IMPORTANT EVENTS 
summer 04. college acceptance. graduation. europe. going to jmu 

4 SPORTS/ACTIVITIES/HOBBIES YOU LIKE
synchronized swimming. reading. camping. partying

3 NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY

being DD more often. let things flow. don't worry about every detail

2 THINGS YOU REGRET
putting God on the back burner. getting involved with him

1 MOMENT THAT TOOK YOUR BREATH AWAY
seeing jmu for the first time against the gorgeous mountain view

so i had a dream, and you were in it. you were standing by my bedside, and then you kissed my forehead and made me the happiest girl ever. 

supposedly dreams reveal the subconcious.  ever since sleeping at jmu, its been hard for me to remember dreams.. this one i liked.

i love chopin. i just downloaded a bunch load of his songs.  im feeling very classical at the moment.

sometimes i dont feel like being stealth.  i just wanna go home.

my new favorite number = 12

feeling quite middle schooler at the moment, and whats more fitting than filling out one of these surveys!

40 questions about 2005.

1) Was 2005 a good year for you?
YES! definitely a growing/transitioning year

2) What was your favorite moment(s) of the year?
getting that first kiss! grad parties, anna's debut, GRADUATION and finiding out that i got over a 4.0=making ma and dad proud, sleepover, beach bagel moments, social experiement, EUROPE!!!!, going to JMU and finding my niche

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
getting rejected from schools, and occasionaly feeling regret

4) Where were you when 2005 began?
at my house

5) Who were you with?
my family

6) Where will you be when 2005 ends?
either in jersey or at home

7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
probably with the family

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005?
somewhat..

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006?
yeah

10) Did you fall in love in 2005?
no.. but im very happy.

11) If yes, with who?

heres my yearly update.

so, i'm at jmu and love it dearly!! it started off a little rough adjusting and what not, but i found my niche and my close friends.  sometime i wonder what it would be like if i went to another school.  and i bet that i would be satisfied at that school too.. it just would be different, and i wouldnt have met my jmu girls. somedays i find it difficult to not regret that fateful decision back in april.

so, i was doing my online routine of checkin my friends profiles.. and i stumbled across kristina's that she scrolls to the beginning of certain conversations, and just rereads them. HAHA how ironic. i thought i was the only one that did that too. and why yes, i am content.

so i decided that i really dont like school.  i enjoy learning, but the pressure of grades, papers, projects, and presentations make it unbearable.  i just want to be successful so just let me!

so, it officially christmas season. the best way to end the year!  of course there are material goods i want, but the priceless wishes are the best.  its where the girly side of reveals itself because i want to dance at night in the snow, kiss in the rain, and jump in puddles holding hands.  i always thought there was a fine line between cute and overly cute.

one of my favorite numbers is 6... and i find it odd how im getting my wisdom teeth out 6 days before christmas. bLah.. in light of the 4 teeth i will soon be missing, im still looking forward to the holidays.  have you ever noticed how this time of year magnifies who are the happy one and the sad ones? like there is nobody in between. so, join the happy wagon! hah, yes lame, but its better than being sad.

ok, here are my thanks for thanksgiving.. (not as if people read it) but the thought still counts..

1.  i am thankful for the new friends ive grown to love this year.
2.  i am thankful for getting closer with my parents
3.  i am thankful for those close friends who take care of me when in need.. esp diana, vicki and lizzy
4.  i am thankful for meetin you!!!!

until next year...